UK NATIONALS IN THE NETHERLANDS: HOW TO PREPARE FOR BREXIT
The UK will leave the EU on 29 March 2019. The UK’s priority is to secure a negotiated deal on our exit from the EU. However, if reopening the withdrawal agreement which we agreed to and signed off on in November fails, (which it probably will) we’ll leave the EU without a deal. Unfortunately, it appears that the EU didn’t need us more than we needed them. Nor would they allow us to continue to enjoy the benefits of membership of the EU, (the single market, financial passporting, customs union) while not actually being a member, which of course is completely unreasonable and shows a lack of forward thinking and flexibility on the part of the EU.
Over the coming weeks, we will be providing regular advice to citizens and businesses on how to prepare for Brexit on March 29th.
How to prepare for Brexit tips
1. PRAISE THE LORD THAT YOU NO LONGER LIVE IN THE UK
Whatever your religion might be, you should get down on your hands and knees and thank whichever god you pray to that you no longer live in the UK. In the Netherlands, supermarket shelves won’t be empty (unless there’s a 40% korting on all goods), nor will there be a shortage of medicines. You’ll also miss the social unrest that will occur when a large part of the UK population realises that they’ve voted for Project Unicorn.Brexit voters, you suckers. You voted for me!
2. Prepare for Brexit, Check your residency status!
If your partner is from an EU member state, marry them, now!
Yes, you might have adopted Dutch norms and have three children with your partner but never bothered to get married. But now that the British passport will be so worthless that even pickpockets in Barcelona will throw it back at you when they realise what they’ve stolen, now’s the time to secure your future and your ability to live easily in any of the 27 EU member states by marrying your partner. He/She should be grateful, after all, they’ll be getting you, for life! (Perhaps it’s better not to mention that until after the wedding).Gadverdamme! She really does love living in the Netherlands. At least she paid for the ring.
3. Learn Dutch
Yes, you’ve lived in the Netherlands for 35 years and have always got on fine speaking English. But as of March 30th, the Dutch are going to lord it over you that the UK is now a second class country where people eat rat kebabs and mug each other for paracetamol due to meat and medicine shortages. You’ll really need to learn how to swear at them in Dutch. Oh, and you’d better learn how to fake being grateful for being allowed to live in the Netherlands too.Puppy Tikka Masala burgers and rat doner kebab will be the most popular post-Brexit dishes
4. Whine about expats
As soon as you get your EU member state nationality and have learned some Dutch. Ingratiate yourself with the locals by whining about the kut expats who are increasing property prices and forcing ‘echte’ Amsterdammers out of the city. The locals will love you for it.
5. Learn to lie to your relatives in the UK
A good way to prepare for Brexit is to think of creative excuses you can use to avoid the UK during the painful adjustment period that will start on March 30th and last for ten or twenty years. Don’t mention any of the following during conversations with UK based family members.
- Near full employment
- Fresh food and vegetables
- Meat being available here that unlike the UK after Brexit isn’t from rodents or household pets
- The fact that you won’t have to pay roaming charges when travelling within the EU